Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in Amberlight's LiveJournal:

Monday, July 19th, 2004
7:06 pm	Frustration Abounds Well, I must say, that my life has narrowed down to the hands on a clock. And I have been going insane, due to the movement of those hands. At least once a day, I'm convinced that I'm about to have a baby. I start getting good, strong contractions. They start out about 15 minutes apart, and they inch towards 5 minutes apart over the span of a few hours.... Then... just as I'm preparing to leave to go to the hospital.... they just STOP. I keep putting everything in my life on hold, so I can look at the clock when I have a contraction, and promptly record the time and length of the contractions - and then they just friggin' stop!!!????!?!?!?!?! And Saturday... Saturday was the best. I start bleeding to accompany the cramps and contractions... so, of course, I'm sure that this is it... this is the time... The bleeding, the cramps, and the contractions stop 20 minutes after I call my partner home from work. (after occurring for 5 hours, steadily) I think this is the single most frustrating time in my life. I want to scream and rant and throw things... but that won't help anything, so instead, I'll just sit here, and silently fume. Start and stop, start and stop. Blarg. I just wish that I'd either go into labor and get it over with, or that my body would quit trying to fake me out, until it's ready. Either way, I don't really care. All these false starts are giving the feeling of 'the boy who cried wolf'. When I really _do_ go into labor, am I going to recognize it? Or am I going to say "Yeah, right... Can't trick me again!!!", and just go back to bed? So in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to wait and see. And that's a tough thing to do, when you're a control freak. Blarg. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 2nd, 2004
11:33 am	"What are we going to do tonight, Brain?" Hmm... I figured I take the test just for giggles and grins... and after reading it, I decided to brush the dust off of my livejournal, and share the results. This is pretty strange... and rather amusing to be labeled an Evil Genius... hmmm.... You are an SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an evil genius. You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting. Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable. You are not to be messed with. You may explode. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 5th, 2001
1:07 pm	Stranger, continued Well, so here I am - my vacation in Detroit almost over... and I think I have an answer. Go home. Ask for a Divorce. Move back to Michigan. Sounds simple on paper. But not so simple in real life. The job market is very tight in Michigan - and the Divorce is probably going to leave me with very little in the way of ready cash, and very little in the way of possessions. I'll probably have to declare bankruptcy sometime soon after the Divorce - because right now we jointly have about $200,000 in debt (we're homeowners - yeah!) - and when the Divorce happens, I don't know how much of that debt I'll be stuck with - but probably the vast majority. *shrugs* I don't want to leave my husband stranded. It's not that I don't care for him - because I do. It's just that I can't take this BS anymore. *sighs* I gotta be me. I've given up far too much of myself for far too long. I need to take myself back - and grow to be a better person inside. If anyone is actually reading this, and has any suggestions - I'm open. Talk to me. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
10:51 am	Times change, and things get stranger and stranger I don't even know why I'm writing this really - who's going to see it? I signed up for this just so I could post on Xav's LiveJournal. I doubt anyone is going to ever come here to see this. Perhaps I'm just looking for a place to get out some of my stress, and just VENT. A little background: I've known Xav since.... 1992? Maybe as early as 1991. Not sure. It's been a long time. Our relationship has gone through many many changes and challenges since then. But he's got to be my best friend in the whole world. And he has been for a long time. Even though I am chagrined to admit that I cut him out of my life for the last three years. He was waiting, with open arms, for me to come to my senses. I'll never be able to tell him exactly how much he means to me. But - perhaps he knows, already. I've been married for a little over two years now, to someone I've known since 1997. About four years - half that time married. And man, did the marriage make a difference. The first year I really didn't know him much or well. The second year, he became my lover and closest (read: only) friend. (I left Michigan, and moved to Florida - I don't know anyone else there other than him). Everything was rosy. We had a strong relationship - and life was good. He had a son from his previous marriage that was only a year younger than I am... but his son never really had a positive mother-figure. So he adopted me as his mother - age difference not mattering much - and life was good. I wasn't new to the mommy role - I had raised my sister's two kids for the first few years of their lives (I was even in the delivery room when they were both born). But this teenager stuff was beyond me in some ways. *smiles* I got the hang of it though. Life was still rosy. Then we got married. Big mistake. Big, huge, gigantic mistake. About three months after we got married - it was like living with Dr. Jekyll, and Mr. Hyde. My newly acquiredhusband would be fine, and sweet, and loving one minute ... and then something small and stupid would happen - like, he misplaced his car keys or something like that... and all of a sudden... BAHM! Instant A$$hole. He became vocally abusive, would flip over the couch and coffee table, etc., and start throwing things and breaking them, if they were in his way. Screaming, and ranting, and raving the whole time. If I walked away, he'd follow me and start venting on me. If I stayed (and managed not to get hit by flying debris), and said nothing, he would start venting on me. If I stayed and tried to help - his anger turned and focused _completely_ on me. We got into more than one physical fight. He also suffered periodic bursts of suicidal depression, where I would physically have to hold him down, and wrestle his handgun away from him, to keep him from blowing his brains out. I got some nice bruises and gouges in some strange places for my efforts. Everytime he was lucid - he was constantly telling me, "I love you, don't ever leave me." and then later I'd hear, "You f*cking B*tch! I want you to die! Get out of my house, get out of my life, I want a DIVORCE!" Then again later, "I love you, don't ever leave me." In addition - he's constantly accusing me of cheating on him. Not that I have the time or inclination. I get up (with him), I go to work, work 10-12 hours a day, go home. And he's there. When do I have time? Heck, until two months ago, we drove to work together, because we worked on the same complex! Now - you tell me, when I had time to cheat on him. But he's convinced! *Sighs* I left Florida for a week's vacation the last Friday in June. I came to Metro-Detroit, to be with my friends, that I haven't seen, and have barely spoken to in 3+ years (including Xav). Partly to see them all - partly to see if relocation to Metro-Detroit is an option - and partly to try to get my head straight, and see if I want to try to save my marriage, or to get a Divorce, and move on with my life. Nothing appears to be a good option. I have so many insecurity issues as it is, that it's hard to do much of anything without permission. My past is filled with verbal and physical abuse - and the attitude I was taught was "girls are worthless". *sighs* More later. I'm starving, and must go in search of nourishment. (Comment on this)